Over-Identifying With Depression

Ah, mes amis! This week's therapy session was awesome.

I've been having this vague feeling for a few weeks that maybe this horribly depressed, constantly terrified, unbelievably self-conscious person I am right now is not my actual True Self, as I had previously thought. This concept was very difficult for me to articulate. I kept feeling like I wasn't getting it across. The only way I could think to convey it was to keep listing examples:

I used to audition for everything.

I used to be in all kinds of performance--choirs, a cappella groups, bands, jazz bands, plays, musicals--and not only that, I'd fight to have as big a part as possible. I'd try to be subtle about it...sometimes...but I definitely wanted to have MORE LINES THAN ANYONE.

I used to write poetry all the time. I was constantly scribbling things down.

Now, auditioning is something that is completely out of my reach, as is any kind of performance. No way could I do those things right now without severe consequences to my recovery. On the plus side, I recently started writing poetry again, which I haven't done in roughly 4 years. And that right there is a real indication of how bad I was, and how much better I am now.

But I digress. (Much as I did trying to explain this to Y.)


Eventually, I ran out of examples.

"So what you're saying," Y replied, "is that you have over-identified with your depression. Is that what you're saying? That you've had it for so long that you have confused yourself with it."

BAM!

Super-Therapist strikes again, mes amis.

Always happy to believe the worst of myself, when the depression supplied such a tasty buffet of horrible things to believe about myself--lazy, slow, stupid, scared--I just lapped it up. This is how you are. This is how I am. This is how you will always be. This is how I will always be. This is how you have always been. This is how I've always been. This is who you really are. This is who I really am.

But it's not.

I was brainwashed. By my own brain! My poor brain, trying so hard to cope with all the overwhelming life changes I was hurling at it. Don't worry, smart little brain. I will fix you.