Can't You Just Try Harder?

No, and I'll tell you why.

It's a commonly held and consistently wrong opinion that people who are depressed only need to try a little harder and then they'd be better.

The problem (ok, one of the problems) with that is that it assumes that the person isn't already trying as hard as they possibly can. Here's the thing: trying harder when you are depressed looks very, very different from trying harder when you are not.

Telling someone with depression that they would be able to do something if they just tried a little harder is like telling someone with a broken leg that they would be able to run a marathon tomorrow, if they just tried a little harder.

No. No, they wouldn't. They simply do not have the capacity at that moment in time to do that! No matter what, that person with the broken leg would not be able to run that marathon the next day. No matter what. They wouldn't even be able to walk it.

With the caveat that depression is slightly different for everyone, here are the most common symptoms of depression*:

"- difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
- fatigue and decreased energy
- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- irritability, restlessness
- loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
- overeating or appetite loss
- persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
- persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
- thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts"

DEPRESSION IS NOT JUST FEELING SAD. IT IS NOT EVEN JUST FEELING SUPER-DUPER-EXTRA SAD. Depression is losing the motivation to the things you love, no matter how much you love them. No matter how hard you try to do them, you CANNOT.

People with serious depression simply do. not. have. the capacity to the things they want to do. Or, indeed, the things you want them to do. A lot of time they don't have the capacity to even remember to want to do them.

I am always, always trying my hardest.

When waking up--simply being conscious--is the most difficult thing you can bring yourself to do all day, getting out of bed at all is trying harder.

When getting up is the most difficult thing you can bring yourself to do all day, getting dressing is trying harder.

When getting dressed is the most difficult thing you can bring yourself to do all day, going outside is trying harder.


The idea that someone would be able to do something more than what they're already doing in spite of their depression because you've given them this amazing and totally original advice and that it will then somehow fix them faster is LAUGHABLE.

It's hurful, too. Imagine: you already feel like fried shit, because, hey, YOU'RE DEPRESSED, and then someone--who is not depressed--tells you that it's your fault and that you're just being lazy and that if you just tried a little harder they bet you'd get better in no time! You know that it's not true, but you don't know how to argue that getting out of bed for you is comprable to sky-diving for them. You do know that it doesn't matter what you say, they will not believe you, because, hey, you're depressed, so what do you know?


Just something to think about.


*webmd