What?

(TW for some seriously self-hating language.)

What?

I'm so confused. Actually, no. No I'm not. I'm not confused at all. I'm bewildered. Could you help me out here? Please? What is going on? Is this good? Is this bad? Is this just more of the same? I need actual answers, actual words, and it isn't until you start needing those you realise how little people actually use them. No wonder there's so much confusion and so many hurt feelings in the world, when everyone is so afraid to just say shit. That leaves everyone to their own assumptions, and so many people automatically assume the worst. Myself included, obviously, although I've worked long and hard so that I won't do that. At least not every time.

I can't take this. My heart feels like taffy.

I need someone to cry on without being subjected to Advice and and Look On The Bright Side and Consider The Other Person's Side. I always Consider The Other Person's Side. I know all the Advice. Can't I just be upset? I just want to be upset. I just want it to be ok to show how I'm feeling. To other people. In person. Nothing's more fraught with Shame Pebbles than that. Invalidation is like being buried in a landslide. "I'm sure it's not that bad." "Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic?" "Everybody feels like this." "Well, have you thought about how they might be feeling?"

Am I allowed to feel bad around other people? Sometimes I feel like that's not really allowed. Can't talk about yourself too much, Flannery. You fucking talk about yourself all the goddamn time, you stupid bitch. People are so fucking sick of hearing about you. Hello? And another part of me, a quieter part of me is saying not really, I don't really talk about myself all that much at all. In fact, I change the topic like lightening once I get even the slightest feeling that I've been talking about myself too much. If anything, I under-talk the vast majority of the time.

Nope. No, you're a selfish bitch and you never shut the hell up. Really, Flannery? Really? You haven't noticed the pattern? Ha! Of course you haven't. Dumbass. Here, I'll tell you: you share too much about how you're really feeling and people leave. Wake up and smell the coffee. Nobody wants to hear about your life. Because who wants to deal with all your shit? They're fucking sick of you. Hello? Oh my god, what a dumbass. Why in the hell would someone give a shit about your fucking insignificant problems, anyway? Ugh! Just! Shut! Up!


I hate this wariness I carry around with me now. I mean, I've always had it, to some extent--hello, crippling insecurities!--but now it's just so much worse. Direct that conversation back outwards, Flannery, get those words away from you. You've been talking about yourself for a whole paragraph! Quick, quick--turn it back around, or they'll think you're horrible and selfish and self-absorbed. Oh, I'm sorry, are you thinking that you're not those things? But you're not really sure, are you? Muahaha. You'll never be sure.

...Even while other things are so, SO much better, this has only gotten worse and worse.

Which is just awesome possum. Thanks for that.

What am I supposed to do with this? What the hell is going on?


Ugh.